You're So Vain

Last post I boldly challenged myself to go without make up for a week. I set some ground rules (dress and do hair as I normally would, nothing on my face except moisturizer and chapstick) and started my journey full steam ahead!

It is with great courage that I move forward with this post.
[Note: I only took one picture for each day-- no glamorizing or posing or trying harder, I am what I am.]

Friday

I was completely enthusiastic at this point. I was having a decent hair day and I was ready to prove that what's on my face has nothing to do with who I am. I took notes during the day. One I find particularly telling is as follows:

"1PM: Forgot I'm naked faced! Its also pouring down rain and awful out so I feel like there is more leeway for looking like a hot mess. Thanks for the support, Mother Nature"

So the bold, fearless, naked face woman who left the house that morning melted into a self-deprecating one by early afternoon. Did I really look like a hot mess simply because I didn't have make up on?? Doubtful.

 Saturday

Struggles. This is me on the way to the gym. Emotionally, I was feeling motivated and excited with the way life was going (which is why I was headed to work out-- who am I?), but look at that face. Does my joy radiate out at all? No. I was already over-thinking the picture for this blog. Instead of being less preoccupied with the way I looked, I became even more so.

Things came to a head when, later that day, I was called to babysit for a family I had never met in Tribeca. For those of you who aren't familiar with the area, I'll put it simply: these people are loaded and wildly successful. Kind of intimidating, huh?

Instant reaction: panic. Oh my god they are going to be expecting a pretty nanny and their first impression of me will be as a tired little boy!!

So I cheated. Only a little, but still. I put on a little face powder and some mascara and went on my way, feeling way more relaxed at this tiny change.

Do I think the family judged me by my lack of va-va-voom? Honestly, I don't know. I don't have any other experiences to base my impressions on. But I do know that I assumed they did, and I let that stick with me all night long.

Sunday

Went to work tired, came home from work tired. Worried about more impressions all day. I must have looked beat, because in the park some mothers said to me, "Wow, these twins are yours? Must be a lot of work!" I wanted to say, Ladies, if I am 23 years old with toddler twins do you think we'd be playing in the Trump Plaza playground?? No, we'd be in line for foodstamps.

Monday

School time. I spent the morning tweaking out and decided that oh, I'd just wear my glasses to hide my exhausted eyes. I dressed and did my hair as I always do (I swear I brushed it, even though this shot says otherwise), and headed off to class. I spent the day, predictably, making jokes about what a wreck I am. Not as a way to fish for compliments, but so that I could make sure that everyone knew that I knew I looked the way I did.

You follow me?

Tuesday

Gym time again. Cue the humble 'well, this is it' look into the camera. Tyra would not be impressed.

And this is where the challenge comes to a screeching halt. Because after I returned home from my work out, I caved.

Some friends and I were going to How I Met Your Mother Trivia at McGee's Pub and there was NO WAY I was going to show up looking insecure. I put on my make up and joyfully headed out for a night of fun.


Here's where the break-through happened: The feminist inside of me is dying a little as I say it, but wearing make up is a way for me to be confident in my self presentation. Stepping outside of the situation, I know that I don't even abuse the privilege, so is it really all that wrong to gloss over some of my 'imperfections' if it eases my anxiety and makes me happy?

What's on my face does have to do with who I am. It shows that I am well put together. It shows that I care what impression I make on people who know me and people who don't know me. That's me in a nutshell: I've got it (mostly) together and I care. I'm a perfectionist. There's no denying it.

I know we aren't 'supposed' to care what others' think. But having a little make up on gets me to that level. I worried more about my image without it than I ever had with the little bit of flourish I sport daily.

In addition, I learned that failure is in the eye of the beholder. Yep, here's another week-long challenge I didn't exactly complete. But after I got on with my life, I had a great rest of the week.

I had an amazing time at trivia (5th place out of 21 teams, yeah!) and I didn't worry about my face.
I had an amazing day Wednesday and I didn't worry about my face.
I am having a solid Thursday and haven't worried about my face.

'Failure' is a technicality. But in the end, my last few days have made me feel like a winner because I was finally able to get outside of myself and focus on the awesome people filling my life with equally awesome experiences.

---

Off topic, but I'll leave you all with this sentiment. After my very first yoga class at Yoga to the People this morning, our instructor lead us out with a reading of "The Voice", by Shel Silverstein. I found it extremely poignant.

There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
“I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
Or wise man can decide
What’s right for you– – just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.

Remember: we're all on our own journey. We are going to stumble, learn from it, and keep moving forward. The only person you need to answer to is yourself. Listen to your voice.

Three Little Things

Again, I have proven myself to be unworthy of the challenge of writing my three best things every day. I only missed one day entirely, but I have to admit that there were a few I retrospectively scribbled down the morning (ok--- afternoon) after. I also found it very difficult to write what really made me happy since I knew I would be posting them. There was a lot of self-imposed pressure to be witty and not lame. Unfortunately, I find myself to be NOT witty and EXTREMELY lame most often in my private moments, so I apologize if what comes next bores you to tears.

10/10/12
1. Just found out Ryan Gosling lives 3 blocks from me.
2. Watching the "human tunnel" get water dumped on them outside of Pinkberry.
3. The view from Hallie's roof-- WOW. I live in New York City! The view makes the magic.

10/11/12
I forgot... what a waste of that once-in-a-lifetime date.

10/12/12
1. Can cross 'vegetarian sushi' off of my NYC list!
2. Spent a good part of my day wrapped up in Harry Potter... this story still does it for me.
3. Texting Nazlı about some of our best memories. So lucky to have her in my life.

10/13/12
1. Drinking wine and margaritas ALL NIGHT with Nazlı.
2. Quick visit with Andy and Lexi... tons of giggles and CUPCAKES.
3. The staff at our dinner place were really really sweet (The Aquamarina, 171st & Bway?)

10/14/12
1. Z saying "Go to her!" when A was crying... literally so precious. [Note: Z & A are 2 y.o. twins I nanny for]
2. The babies knew my name today-- and it was only my 2nd day of work!
3. Used my hot pink hand mixer baking chocolate chip pumpkin cookies :)

10/15/12
1. Staying up late and sharing everything with Chazie.
2. So pleased with my peers' work on Sweeney Todd. Entire production was impressive and I was proud to watch the show with its world's creators.
3. So many hugs and smiles and laughs with some people that I've missed without realizing it!

10/16/12
1. Wine milkshake and Chazie's homemade pizza. Hello heart attack.
2. Meetings today. Two with old professors, one with an old friend. All made me realize that I am growing, I am cared about, and that I'm not doing half bad.
3. Even though my bus home had a serious delay that's pretty inconvenient, I could not have a nicer, more patient or pleasant bus driver. This woman deserves the big bucks. Also, the trip refund and complimentary round trip from megabus didn't hurt.

10/17/12
1. No lab today was a nice break. Good for my sanity.
2. I think Russell Stover's dark chocolate coconut creme pumpkins are the best things I have ever tasted. Damn.
3. Nobody could hold me back from navigating the library like a boss today.


So, all in all, I have a lot of little things to be thankful for. It was a nice pick-me-up to go through them again tonight and I'm glad that I challenged myself to do this. I still want to do better, though.

Next up... 

New York has made me more image conscious than I have been in a long time. It is truly the place where the beautiful people flock to. I spend a lot of time worried about my appearance, and in retrospect I think a lot of that time is wasted. Plus, that kind of fixation is unhealthy. SO. I am now embarking upon a new challenge: No make up for a week.

How will it change me? Will I make better use of my time in the mornings? Will I be less inclined to go out? Will I still get creeped on by those dirty old men on every corner in this town?

I guess I'll find out.

Optimism, engage.

I have to admit: my nearly month-long absence from the blogosphere is directly related to the absence of joy in my life. I've spent the past month being pretty miserable, whether I deserved to be or not, and deemed it unnecessary to prattle about on here pretending to be an optimist.

Well, here's where the winds of change kick in, people. Optimism, engage.

A friend from high school once told me that she kept a journal containing three things she was thankful for each day. Over the years I have tried to make this habit my own, but tend to fall off the wagon after a day or two. Looking back through my little "thankful book", the entries are very spread out and mostly talk about food. No really, I've counted six entries that say, "My bagel today was delicious". You can tell that was one of the rough days.

After spending so much of my time complaining and bemoaning my current unhappiness, I have decided that I need-- pardon my French-- a swift kick in the ass back into joy-ville. Why am I wasting my time and energy and words with misery? It's like a poison that has been leeching into every area of my life and it needs to stop. Taking the time to give myself a daily reminder of the things I can draw joy from is the best place to start.

So here I go: I challenge myself to take a daily inventory of the things I am thankful for, without fail, for the next week.

I have imposed one rule for myself: My entries can have nothing to do with grades, completing homework assignments, or anything related to academic performance. That isn't real joy. That isn't what life is about.

To jump-start this "assignment", I'll give three things that I (should) have been thankful for since September.

1) This e-mail from my undergraduate advisor. He always makes me laugh, and this message in particular lifted my spirits. It's funny to look back and think about how scared I was of him in my early years at college, and how, now, he has been such a rock and guide for me as I stumble down the path to a master's degree. "Don't you just love it when a plan comes together?"

2) My friends, old and new. I've somehow managed to compile a mix-matched crew with the best sense of humor. No doubt about it, these faces have kept me sane and made me feel loved and appreciated, even when I don't deserve it.

At David'sTEA during my "Birthday Weekend Extravaganza!" These folks (+Lexi) made it one of the best celebrations I've ever had. 

New friends out for the night in the LES last weekend.

3) Mom & Jordan came to visit! I am so lucky to have been a part of my brother's first taste of the Big Apple. We saw the sights, ate the eats, and walked til we dropped. The fact that he was chosen to participate in the Blue Man Group's show was only surpassed by our excellent visit to Five Pointz in Long Island City, Queens. I know that was definitely his favorite part! This sight was a great expanse of warehouses that were completely covered in graffiti-- commissioned by the owners, of course. It is amazing what these people can do with cans of spray paint! We were all sad to learn that they're planning to tear it down and build apartments there next year. If you want to have a say in this, check out their website and sign the petition to keep this space for art! Here was my favorite work of the trip:

Funky take on Beauty and the Beast?

Even now, remembering these three things has lifted my spirits and put a smile on my face. I seriously encourage everyone to give it a try. 

I'll check in again with the full effects a week from today!